Redeemed

I’ve been struggling lately. Depression is something that I’ve struggled with my whole life. It’s hard for me to talk about being depressed and being a Christian in the same sentence. Part of me has always thought there must be something wrong with my faith if I am depressed. I must not really believe in God – I start to feel like a fake. In my head I have knowledge of Christ’s redemption and power, yet in my heart I feel so pressed down and sad, and yes, sometimes hopeless. My head will be telling me all there is to be happy about, all I have to be thankful for, but my heart is just so full of tears it’s just too heavy to float. Sometimes it’s hard to get our head knowledge and our heart feeling to match up – at least it is for me.

I’ve been depressed before. I know “this too shall pass” and so I’ve learned to try to separate my true self from this shadow that falls over me from time to time. It’s easy to say and hard to do, but I’ve learned to recognize that this “feeling” is something I can look at and say, “okay, it’s here today but with God’s help I will just keep moving forward and at some point the sun shines in the right way and the darkness leaves for awhile.” It’s not the greatest solution maybe, and it wouldn’t work for everyone, but that’s how I cope with it. Maybe it can be understood like a seasonal allergy, (although I am in no way trying to equate the two in severity) you know allergy season is coming and you do what you can to deal with it, but there isn’t any “cure” for it. Luckily, you’ve learned how to manage your life with it, but maybe some days it hits you fairly hard and you have to take a day off from work, but you know it’s not going to kill you. You know it’s going to get better at some point . . . you just don’t know quite when. I also know that depression can kill people – I really am not trying to make light of it. I’m just telling you how it is for me. I have had suicidal thoughts in the past, but luckily I feel like my faith has brought me past the idea that killing myself would be a solution.

The depression I have now is worse than I’ve had it awhile because of several things. Part of the reason is health related, part of it is medication related, part of it is because I know there are things in my life I’ve been avoiding and I need to open those doors so that I can move forward. I know there are forces in the world that don’t want me moving forward – wow if you’re not a believer, this is the part where I start to sound CRAZEEEE! I do believe in spiritual warfare. I believe that the enemy knows where my weak points are and when I start trying to deepen my faith, deepen my understanding of God, the enemy is ready with attacks. Tiny darts of questions about my worth, questions about my faithfulness, questions about my intentions . . . all aimed to undermine me – sometimes these attacks work quite well and it contributes to my feeling depressed. Once that avalanche starts it’s very difficult to stop it or to get out from under it. Unfortunately, as of late I’ve been susceptible to falling for those attacks and I’ve gotten buried under the landslide.

If I get disappointed in myself, it can just start a whole new cycle of being depressed about being depressed which gets me nowhere! I just have to keep looking to God – looking to Him to remind me that it’s going to be okay in the end. Maybe I am a “lightweight” Christian. I’ve never thought of myself as particularly “saintly.” I’m usually thinking of myself as the one who got in on a fluke and I’m just really, really lucky. Maybe that feeling isn’t right though. Maybe I need to come to terms with the fact that God does love me. No matter how messed up I’ve been, how weird I am, how depressed and disappointing I can be – God still loves me. He always has and he always will. He loves me not in some intellectual way like humans “love their fellow man” because it’s easy to love a big abstract group. God loves me in an extremely personal way – the way I love my own daughter – and even more deeply than that, which is difficult for me to fathom.

It’s just so awesome – in the true sense of the word – to have the creator of the universe focused on one itty bitty speck like me – yet who am I to deny that? Who am I to contradict the Son of God? Maybe my depression doesn’t come from feelings of inferiority – maybe it also comes from denying myself the position of REDEEMED. Maybe we don’t fully allow ourselves to understand what that word means and all that it implies . . .

But now, this is what the LORD says—
he who created you, O Jacob,
he who formed you, O Israel:
“Fear not, for I have redeemed you;
I have summoned you by name; you are mine.

2 When you pass through the waters,
I will be with you;
and when you pass through the rivers,
they will not sweep over you.
When you walk through the fire,
you will not be burned;
the flames will not set you ablaze.

3 For I am the LORD, your God,
the Holy One of Israel, your Savior;
I give Egypt for your ransom,
Cush [a] and Seba in your stead.

4 Since you are precious and honored in my sight,
and because I love you,
I will give men in exchange for you,
and people in exchange for your life.

5 Do not be afraid, for I am with you;
I will bring your children from the east
and gather you from the west.

6 I will say to the north, ‘Give them up!’
and to the south, ‘Do not hold them back.’
Bring my sons from afar
and my daughters from the ends of the earth-

7 everyone who is called by my name,
whom I created for my glory,
whom I formed and made.”

~Isaiah 43:1-7